Why I'm Starting Over - And Why It's Been So Much Fun

Nov 6, 2024

Updated: Nov 10, 2024

Starting Over | What I'm Taking with Me

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First off, I owe a huge apology to everyone who read any of my previous stories that I've left floating in the unfinished ether of the internet. I am so, so sorry that I have tormented you all for so long.

From the scandalous "Duchess & The Damned", to the barely conceived "Possessed". I'm also looking at the cult following my Vision x Reader x Ultron fanfic (tell me you're not curious) -- I love you all and it's been your sporadic comments on those works over the years that have kept my confidence as a writer alive. And honestly, it's played a big part in the confidence needed to give my all to a website like this.

Going to those comments and seeing all your support and interest -- seeing what was happening with no marketing, no schedule, and no fucks to be found, is fueling this endeavor, however challenging it may end up being.

I'm trying to let go of the deadlines and the need to finish something completely before I show it to the world -- like I use to, back when it was the most fun.

I'm also taking those old stories and piecing them together into a singular world. Only problem I'm having now is that brainstorming how all of my heavy-hitting plot points interact with each other is increasingly more fun than actually writing the stories, haha.

And while normally I'd be beating myself up, lamenting over how much I wasn't getting done for the sake of finishing a project in the next year (or some other absurdly short goal), I'm actually just ... enjoying the process?

Starting Over | Mourning an Era

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There was a time when I could write a book in a month (I'm looking at you, NaNoWriMo), and do it well. Now after years of hating myself for not being able to produce like I use to, I'm finally learning to accept, however begrudgingly, that it’s okay not to produce that quickly.

It has to be.

I’m trying to remind myself that it’s my story people come back for, not my timeline. If I’ve learned anything from the amazing readers that have found me over the years and have felt strongly enough about my work to leave me a comment despite me not updating in so long, is that readers are patient.

My readers are out there, and they are patient.

So, I need to be, too.

It's honestly so bizarre, the mental shift that I've been feeling from starting over -- from making this change. In fact, I'll probably end up writing a separate blog post about it at some point, because I think there's a lot more to unpack there.

I’m not really sure when the whole shift from enjoying writing online to needing to have my work published took hold, but I’m guessing the introduction of responsibilities and financial needs had something to do with its gradual spiral.

I equated dollar signs to success, despite finding an audience online while penniless. I think I'm finally ready to abandon that mindset.

Now, don't get me wrong. I want to make a living with this at some point and I'm going to work very hard to make that happen. It's just ... Now, I'm allowing myself to have fun whether I do or don't, and that's big for me.

Starting Over | It's All Coming Together

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I have to laugh at myself, really, that it’s taken me this long to find my way to a process that I’d already practiced before — and loved. Maybe it’s because it goes against the hustle culture that’s been so ramped in my workaholic mind. Or maybe it’s because it offers forgiveness to the years that I feel Covid took from my creative career as a whole. Maybe it's because it's just a scarier business model.

Whatever it is that’s been resisting this next phase of my process, it’s been an absolute bitch to get through.

But now that I’m finally seeing my website come together, I’m feeling that familiar sense of excitement again. The kind you get when you’re itching to post a new chapter and see how people react…

God, I’ve missed it. And while the words may trickle in at first as I figure out the shape of this new world, I’m just glad to be writing them again.

Building a world for all of my past and future stories to live in has created a kind of peace in my process that I hadn't really anticipated. The struggle of juggling multiple worlds has effectively been removed; never mind the plots I've still got to manage. Wrangling a heard of plot bunnies in a singular world is somehow less maddening to me than dealing with them individually.

It comes with its own challenges, certainly, but I’ve found such joy in learning how my characters interact and evolve with and alongside each other’s plots. And I’m that much more excited to see how the history of this world is shaped as the stories progress!

Starting Over | The Rewrite of All Rewrites

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I'm sure that even while not writing, I've been growing over the years as a writer. I haven't been taking my writer's block sitting down, I'll have you know. I've been learning, experimenting, and most importantly, playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Toying around with dungeon mastering and writing the occasional campaign has done absolute wonders for bringing me out of my writer's block in a way that is breathing new life into my old, unfinished stories.

There were times where I'd draw on past characters for inspiration, and in doing so, I began to reimagine the possibilities of their worlds, as well as what a blended one might look like in a medieval fantasy setting as opposed to a modern, mortal one.

And thus, Terra Ciona was born. It's got bits and pieces of probably every story I've ever written, or thought of writing, and plan for it to continue to house future ideas. And it's got some heavy inspiration from the well of a muse that is Dungeons and Dragons, which means quests, epic battles, and loot!

The idea of being able to just zoom in on a different part of a world I already know for a new story is immensely comforting and gives a sort of grounding effect in the sometimes-overwhelming process of worldbuilding. I've already got a few places in mind, hehe.

First stop? Ein' sta Ghrem, a large networking city in the heart of the Solaris Kingdom.